OpenMyEyes::

Plans...or lack thereof.

2012-01-17T16:52:00.000-05:00

Society tells us it’s good to have a plan. In fact, society tells us that it’s better to have a plan. I don’t think society knows my God.

I had a plan once. I’ve actually had many plans. Some may say I’m indecisive...I just say I like a lot of things.

It felt great to have a plan...for a while. Soon enough the good feeling of having a plan wore off, and the fears and anxieties of whether or not I was happy set in. My answer was no. I was not happy...no where near it. You see, it’s not just about having a plan...we can have a lot of plans. It’s about whether or not we are happy. But we will never be happy with our own plans...our plans will always have flaws. We are human, WE will always have flaws. It is why God’s plan is the only plan that matters. He loves us and knows us better than we know ourselves. At the end of the day it’s not about our happiness, it’s about glorifying God. But the thing is, if we live each day to glorify Him, happiness is a rather arbitrary subject, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think how much more fulfilled we’d all be if Glorifying God was the only thing on our minds.

But it’s not the only thing on our minds. School and friends and money (or lack thereof) and debt and a whole bunch of other meaningless CRAP is what takes over our minds on a daily basis. We make plans and when we don't succeed at these plans we feel like failures. If our plans don't match up with the social norms of our society we feel like failures. This WORLD will only ever lead you to feeling like a failure if you decide to live by its rules and standards.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

Sometimes I even feel like a failure to God. Which..you know..is kind of true. But I'm also a heck of a lot more to God than a failure. You are too.

"The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ."- 1 Corinthians 12:12

"..our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it."- 1 Corinthians 12:18

God created each one of us for a purpose, and NO ONE was left out of that plan. Whether he made us to heal, teach, lead, speak in tongues, or prophesy...we have a plan and a purpose. Not one person on this earth is worthless, for every God-given gift is necessary for the Body of Christ to function.

I have no idea what is in my future. None. But God does.. and it is my number one prayer that I can take peace in that truth.

Do me a favor and read 1 Corinthians 12-14. Actually, do YOURSELF a favor and look that up. Be blessed.

surrender.

2011-11-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

My life feels like a mess at the moment. I've been trying to take control and get things to settle down, but as soon as I feel like I've taken care of one thing something else comes up and it starts all over again. It's a torturous cycle of stress, anxiety, and sadness... and I really can't take it anymore. I'm not enjoying this ride that is life.

I've been too focused on where I'm going, where I want to go, how to get there, and what I've missed instead of finding joy in the place I am at right now. What I struggle to understand is that I wasn't made to be the driver. I wasn't made to figure out how to get to my destination on my own.

A big part of my stress comes from the fact that my faith and my trust in my Maker has been taking a back seat lately. Jesus wasn't meant to sit in the backseat. I need to stop fighting Him for the wheel and just be.

My prayer is that I can learn to surrender. That I can give up the wheel and let Him lead me to where I need to go, according to His plans...not mine. I may be failed by others, I may fail myself...but He will never fail me. He will never lead me astray. He will never do me wrong.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feat for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love

will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

-Psalm 23

Thankful.

2011-11-12T01:43:00.000-05:00

It's easy to point out everything that is wrong in life. What's hard is seeing the good. Not only seeing it, but embracing it. Enjoying it. Marveling at it. Accepting it.

Why is that hard? I dunno. It just is. It's not impossible, though.

Sometimes to be able to have a good moment, enjoy said moment, and remember and look fondly on that good moment, you need to actively DO something for it. Sitting around and waiting for good to come will get you no where. No good. No fun. No nothing. Sometimes it can be as simple as writing it down. Or telling someone about it. Or making a point each day to look at the previous week or month or even just the last couple of hours and remembering what was good about it. Especially when your mind is filled and occupied with nothing but bad.

So tonight I'm taking the time out to remember what has been good in my life lately, and I am going to share it with you all :)

I'm falling more and more madly in love with Jesus everyday! I love it! I love HIM!

I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. They make my life so much more full and significant, and that's huge.

I get to hang out with the most perfect 6 year old boy on Sunday mornings thanks to the wonderful special needs ministry program at Mars Hill Bible Church.

I've been attending services at a new church and I can't get over how much I love it. The worship, the teachings, and the PEOPLE! so good.

Campus Ministries. I love my CM family so much, and I am beyond thankful that I get to serve and be a part of something like this. My thankfulness for CM blows my mind on a daily basis...I am so beyond grateful for it and what it does not just for me, but for so many people.

My art family. I am constantly getting my butt kicked...but I am so glad I get to experience it with such cool people.

Hannah. She is such a gift from God and I am so blessed and thankful to have her help, patience, and guidance in my life.

I'm sure there is more, but that's all I got for right now! God is good. It's my goal to start focusing on that more and less on what satan is doing.

I messed up.

2011-10-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

Here's a passage out of Romans that I am trying to find solace in this evening:

" So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the once doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life- that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."- Romans 7:14-25

I am feeling especially sick with sin tonight. I am praying and clinging to the truth as hard as I can..trying to fight through this broken life. Sometimes there's nothing else you can do but own it and say: "God, I messed up...and I am so, so sorry."

God, I messed up...and I am so, so sorry.

guard your hearts.

2011-10-24T10:29:00.000-04:00

So lately I've been trying to decipher the genuineness of situations and people around me. I see it as a defense mechanism to try and guard my heart..because my heart has been beaten down by people who have abused the privilege of holding a piece of it, and I can't take it any more.

People are people. They have the tremendous capacity to let you down, but what I've learned is that just because they have that power doesn't mean they will use it. People cannot satisfy your every need, only Jesus can, but it doesn't mean that people won't satisfy any need.

So someone hurt you. And you learn the inevitable lesson once again that people hurt people. But you've met someone else, someone with the potential to fill that void again...but you're scared. You're scared of the let down. The betrayal. The rejection. But know that just because someone once failed you in the past, it doesn't mean every person from here on out will fail you in the same way.. or in any way, for that matter.

It's important to guard your hearts, but don't confuse guarding and hardening. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing that should not be avoided nor rejected. In my opinion the strongest hearts are the most vulnerable.

God puts people in and takes people out for a reason, and that reason is because day by day He is shaping you in to the person He wants you to be.. so that when you're welcomed home you'll be perfect, unflawed, and completely whole. A masterpiece.

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."- Proverbs 2:23

worth it.

2011-10-08T11:13:00.001-04:00

Lately I've been learning that life is a beautiful gift from God, a gift that satan tries to corrupt and destroy in any way he possibly can.

Tries.

For so long I've been blaming God for bad circumstances. Any time I spoke to Him it would be in the form of a "why god," as if it were He who was causing all of this pain. What I've come to appreciate as of late is that our pain is His pain too...and He works tirelessly to save us from our worldly heartache. He makes a plan for each of us so that our stories don't end with suffering, but with freedom. He doesn't want to see us cry or see us hurt each other or see us hurt ourselves.

Satan will not succeed.

Not if we don't let him. Things may be bad right now, but they won't stay bad. Our God won't let them stay bad. We have a choice thanks to JESUS to end the pain. There's an alternative answer.

I'm choosing Jesus.

Not gonna lie, life hasn't been the greatest for me lately. But I'm making the choice so that when this journey is over and all is said and done, my welcome home party will have made all the pain and suffering I've endured and am enduring worth it. Jesus is worth it. The kingdom is worth it. This life is worth it.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."- [Romans 5:3-5]

"..for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan."- [Ephesians 1:11]

"God SAVED you by his GRACE when you BELIEVED. And you can't take credit for this; it is a GIFT from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's MASTERPIECE. He has created us ANEW IN Christ JESUS, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."- [Ephesians 2:8-10]

always and forever.

2011-09-29T00:43:00.000-04:00

I'm being torn up by life from the inside out. I'm slowly but surely ripping at the seams and that scares me. The world says let it all out but their actions scream keep it all in...we don't want to see that. No one wants to see reality.

I don't want my feeble facade that everything's alright to be broken, not after all the work I did to re-build the walls. A heart break will do that to you. It will make you question and evaluate and re-evaluate and destroy every piece of you, constantly shouting in your ear that you just.weren't.good enough. I wasn't good enough.

There's blame and there's bitterness and there's anger and accusations and stubbornness and stupidity. But underneath it all is the one thing I just can't bear to face. Pain. The blame game stops, the bitterness and the anger fades, the war settles enough for the stubbornness to dissipate...but the pain lingers.

The worst part is no matter how many truths I hear the lies are what constantly roll through my mind. A hurricane of pain and destruction is constantly on the loose in the confines of my head. There's a weight on my chest crushing down in to my body from the memories. I feel like a walking disaster...and you don't even care.

You don't care.

I feel beaten up by these moments of imprisonment...but I'm learning life goes on. I want love I will never again receive, but I'm forgetting a love that is always and forever holding me and wrapping me up in the depths of His never ending grace.

new leaf.

2011-09-15T00:31:00.000-04:00

You know when you, like, really mess up? And you're stuck in this vortex of misery because there's seemingly no way out of the ginormous hole you dug yourself in to...and you're desperate to get out but you're too proud to potentially make a fool of yourself in the process and too stubborn to admit your faults, and instead focus on all of theirs.

Yep.

People hurt people. That's a fact. Here's the real issue...how will you react to the pain?

Option 1: Be angry. Don't talk to them, don't look at them, imagine conversations of you saying as many hurtful things to them as possible to make them feel as crappy as they made you feel.

Option 2: Take it. Let them hurt you, never say anything, suck it up and move on.

Option 3: Be hurt. But don't let it define you or the relationship. Deal with the pain and move on. Forgive. Don't forget (see previous blog)...but don't hold on to it. Don't hold it against them.

I've tried options 1 and 2 many of times. I never seem to have the patience or the strength for option 3. I don't do well with conflict. I try to avoid it as much as possible and when I can't do that anymore I just say screw you and move on.

I don't want to do that anymore. It's time for option 3.

I want to love with a true and real love, no matter what I'm getting in return. I want to love patiently and kindly. I don't want to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude. I don't want to love in a demanding way. I don't want to be irritable and I don't want to cling to how I've been wronged. I want to love the kind of love that rejoices when the truth wins out. I want to never give up on love, never lose faith in love, and never lose the hope of love. I want to endure through love in whatever circumstances come my way.

I'm not perfect..I am sorry..it's time for a new leaf.

Life: what an interesting paradigm.

Reflection.

2011-09-04T20:05:00.000-04:00

So tonight I'm taking some time out of my homework-filled evening to reflect on life this past week.

A:LKHGAAAGAHHHHHH:LKAJF:OJLKDJOWEJ:AJR RQOIWRJEQLWKAL!!!!J :LJ!~~> RJQLWR"asjdfoweHFEFSJ;lkfW;LAJKDS;FJlwkejfa;oSLFKJA:DKLJwiejr;alksdfjaoisdfj;alkjsd;WERJEPWIFD;ALKSDJFA;OIWEJ;WEOJFA;OSIDJASNLIWEJRPQWEJR;OQIWUE[RQWE][RQW;EOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, that's about right.

Everything's starting up again and everything about this year is new. As I try to sort through it all, such as where my classes are, how to dictate my time, making sure I don't miss anything fun and exciting, I find myself continually asking questions like "are things okay?" "you good?" "do you got this?". So far the answer has been a timid yes....but somehow circumstances and anxieties factor their way in, causing some unwanted bumps in the road called life.

Something I struggle with is this: there's always something out there to me that seems more important and worthwhile than school. Even now with me being in a major that I love (ahem, art and design, holla!) I still feel like I'm wasting my time sitting hours on end in a classroom. I want to be out in the world doing work with my hands and my heart and my soul for the glory of God forever and ever amen. I don't want to sit in a classroom to learn how to teach art, I want to be out there actually teaching it and making it. I don't want to be stressed with due dates and deadlines, at the end of the day I want my worries to be about whether or not I made enough people smile.

Hardships and stress about school and friends seem so trivial to me in a world where so much more matters. I'm sick of being brought down and torn up by people and homework and tuition bills. I'm just a girl who wants to love and be loved and who's caught up in the confusion as to why it's not that simple.

Although I long to be anywhere but here...maybe right here is exactly where God wants me to be. Although I would rather be bringing glory to God outside of the classroom...maybe the classroom is where that glory needs to be brought. And although all I want is to love and be loved...maybe I need to experience the opposite of love before I can fully appreciate and experience the true, unselfish, unconditional love that I desire.

The Art of Forgiveness.

2011-08-26T17:36:00.000-04:00

Forgiveness is hard. You know that phrase, "forgive and forget"? Yeah, impossible. The two words are often times unfairly thrown together. I've learned over time that the two are equally soul-numbing obstacles, but one is definitely more possible to achieve than the other. But, like I said, forgiveness is hard. Impossible? No. But hard. Forgetting on the other hand...

Forgetting IS impossible. That thing that person did, it hurt you so bad but somehow with time you've grown to be able to forgive them. With time you've been able to be within ten feet of them, you've been able to look them in the eyes again, and maybe you've even gotten that desire to be around them again. But that thing they did, it's still in the back of your mind. It's all in the past, but the scars from those wounds are still there. You're at a place where you can and have forgiven them.. but you will never, ever forget.

And she said that horrible thing to you. Every time you think about it, the thought eats you up inside. It suffocates your heart and your guts fall down in to your butt. The memory haunts you. The disbelief...she said that? The thought..it's still there. So you've forgiven her, but you haven't forgotten. You can't forget.

And more often times than not the memory arises from an instance out of your control. That song you listened to together, every time it plays you think of them...and inevitably that thing they did or said way back when creeps back in to your mind. The song and the moment are ruined. Or you stumble upon a picture or a place or a topic that you once shared with someone who ripped you to shreds, re-opening the wound you worked so hard to dress and mend. So you've forgiven them, you've moved on, you've grown past the situation...but you haven't forgotten.

And then there's that worst possible scenario ever. You're hurt. You're sad and you're angry and you're slowly being eaten away from the memories and then boom! Something happens to them. They get hurt or they get sick or someone else does something awful to them. That's when the real conflict arises. You are still so, SO mad at them...those feelings of anger just grow even more when you realize that you never, ever want them to feel the pain you felt. You realize you never want them to hurt the way you did. You realize this, and you hate it. It pisses you off because you went through all of that CRAP, and yet you are begging for the badness to leave them. The person who caused badness in your life is now the one you are praying badness never happens to. You can't hate them, or what they did, or what they said. You forgive them and although you can't forget you pretend to. Why?

Because you love them.

So you forgive, but you can't forget...you just pretend to.

This is a story of a girl.

2011-08-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

There's just something about a hoodie.

Wrapped in it's warmth and soft fabric...she's comforted, if only for a little while. She knows she's come a long way...and that there's still plenty more of her journey still to come. But that fear.. that fear is still whispering inside her. In her head she's constantly fighting the words of the evil one. She's weak but determined. Sometimes the lies over take her, and she can't shake the feeling that maybe they're actually true. Not good enough, undesirable, a failure...when no one is telling her the opposite it's hard to shake these messages that constantly run through her mind on repeat. If someone does say the opposite she can't believe them, but oh does she want to. She wants so badly to feel the warmth and fullness of a compliment.

She pulls her arms tight around her...burrowed deep in a smooth, blue oasis of cotton and polyester.

But she's trying. She's 18 but she can't help but feel like she's still a little girl. She needs guidance and influence and inspiration. She can't face the whole world alone...but she is.

She pulls the sleeves down over her hands and hugs her knees.

And she just met Him. She doesn't know how to trust those around her let alone one she cannot see. But she knows, she knows deep in her heart He's out there. She can't forget that night in the mountains, He won't let her...and for that she is thankful. She desires to trust and to know, she wants to be able and independent...she's almost there.

She rests her head on her arms, the sleeves soft against her cheek.

But the darkness...it overtakes her at the worst times. The light she once had in her life has been flickering in and out. She wants to feel the love and the warmth of her light again but she needs to be careful...if she's not, her light may go away forever.

Tears stream down her face, each drop turning the already dark blue fabric even darker.

These complexities are too much for this simple girl. To her there's either love or there's hate, none of this in between nonsense. She is making her way and she's growing.. despite all the evil she cannot shake. She doesn't understand this world, and maybe she never will, but she's not going to let this world bring her down.

She can't hold it in any longer...soon the waters start to roll and her body forgets to hold all the pieces in place. She clings tighter to her hoodie, finding a small amount of peace knowing that God is in each and every fiber of the fabric.

God is everywhere. In your heart, in your soul, and in your hoodies.

She's gonna make it.

Don't forget about me.

2011-08-15T21:21:00.001-04:00

I’m kind of at a weird place in life right now. I’m in the process of rebuilding and healing, all the while pushing through life exhausted and far from whole. I feel like I’m trying to walk up a well-worn sledding hill- every three steps I take I fall back two. I’m so tired. I’m so disillusioned with life and relationships and christianity to the point where I feel sick.

Whenever I get a quiet moment to myself, the haunting thought that life wasn’t supposed to be this way grips my mind. I’m not supposed to feel heavy and broken and torn up. Life is supposed to be sweet and full and exciting...isn’t it?

And relationships. How can people cause so much pain? People who are supposed to love you and be there for you....people who at one point wanted to be there for you, who chose to....how can they just change their minds? It’s not like ordering a steak and suddenly deciding you’d rather have chicken, this is people’s hearts your messing with. My heart.

And Christianity. It ties in with all of the above....aren’t we called to love and help the broken-hearted? The lost and lonely? The weak and helpless? I can’t help but think what about me? God, MY heart is broken. I’m lost, I’m lonely, I’m weak...what about me God? I feel dumb saying that, I feel like I should be worrying about others over myself, but I'm one of those broken people who needs saving..is that bad to want that? I literally feel forgotten by God.

I know that it’s not about me...but is it really so much to ask to just feel OK? I'm trying so hard to pour into others, but how can I keep doing that if I'm not being filled up? How do I get filled up? I feel like I've tried everything. Is it all me? Am I doing something wrong?

All of this whirls around in my head and I feel so trapped. I feel trapped in a love-less, empty, fix-it-yourself world when all I want is to love and be loved. By my friends, by my family...by God. Everything just seems so messed up to me. Is this the way it’s supposed to be? Am I too busy clinging to a baseless fantasy of what I think life should be when really I should suck it up and accept it all?

Any time I voice these concerns, I get the same answer: God. Well duh! But there's more pieces to the puzzle. We are all made in God's image. We are called to love like Jesus did. So yes, God is a pretty big part. But other people are too... at least that's how I interpret things. And I've been pretty hurt by people lately, making me feel hurt by God too. I'm missing a part to my becoming whole and I don't know how to get that back. I just want that piece to the puzzle, apparently what I'm doing is wrong. I just wish I knew what "right" is.

God I pray that you show me the way to find the piece of me that's missing. I pray you lead me back to fullness- through you, through friends, through strangers. Show me the way to live like You want me to. I'm lost, I need your help. Don't forget about me God. -Amen

If you're feeling lost, broken, and hurt...you're not alone. All we've got is each other, and I am here for you.

His Masterpiece.

2011-08-02T19:21:00.000-04:00

It's weird to think how much I have changed since this time last year. I've grown in a million different ways, and far is gone the girl who I once was. For a long time that was very unsettling to me. I liked who I was, how I felt, the way I lived. Looking back at those memories gave me a recollection of a fullness I no longer felt. I became jealous of the memories, further plummeting myself into a dark pool of resentment and self-loathing.

Any time I tried talking to God it solely consisted of "whys." Why am I not having the "right" college experience? Why does being alone cause me so much fear and anxiety? Why does life seem so much easier for everyone else?

I wasn't trying to listen to God, I was trying to satisfy the needs of my own agenda. Instead of being still and listening to what He was trying to say, I fought in every way I knew how. I was merely focused on what I wanted and didn't want out of life. His plan didn't matter to me. That is, it didn't matter to me unless I liked it. As far as I know, the bible doesn't say that we are necessarily going to like what He has in store for us. It's not about what we want. It's not about making ourselves happy. It's about finding joy and peace and hope in Him.

That's hard. I'm now left in a dizzying whirl of confusion about life and how to live it.

Someone once told me that God wouldn't give you the struggles and obstacles you're facing in life if He didn't think you were strong enough to handle them. Remembering that gives me hope. Although I struggle with faith in Him, he continues to have faith in me.

I don't like to fail, but I'm starting to learn that failing is an inevitable part of life. Why you failed isn't necessarily the most important part, though. It's how you react afterwards. It's about the change. As I stumble along the straight and narrow, I am growing in to the me that God desires. Right now I'm a mess. The more I try to do the bigger the mess I am going to make. I am slowly starting to let God take the brush, I'm letting His hands do the sculpting from now on, the shading is up to Him...not me. He's the artist when it comes to my life, and I need to learn to trust that one day I will become a masterpiece. His masterpiece.

thoughts on worry, stress, and Francis Chan.

2011-07-21T23:39:00.000-04:00

I'm reading Crazy Love. By Francis Chan.

I got this book on a whim at this worship conference called Passion this past January. I was looking at the books, not necessarily looking to buy, just looking, and I suddenly felt compelled to buy the thing. I figured that since Francis Chan wrote it, it must be good. At this point I had no clue who the guy was, but everyone kept talking about how great he was so I decided to go for it.

Read the foreword, read the preface, read the first chapter...I was done. I didn't like it. So I shoved it on my bookshelf next to all my other books and forgot about it. It's July now. Since I got the book it's tended to come up every now and then in conversation, everyone seeming to think it's the Harry Potter of the Christian book scene...(aka, a big deal).

So I started it up again today at work. Bad idea. Not the part about reading it, but rather the part about starting it at work. The thing just agitates me. Maybe it's because I lack knowledge in the whole realm of God, or maybe it's because I find what he's saying true, thus causing me to feel agitated not with him or the book, but with the way I'm living my life. And that realization that I'm agitated with my life makes me agitated with the book and the author of said book because he's the one who interrupted my blissfully unaware Godless style of living.

Either way, I became agitated with each passing page. Heck, with each passing word. Don't get me wrong, I dig the guy's passion and he makes some great points, but he also says stuff that I just don't like. For example: chapter 4. I now fully understand why the chapter is entitled, "You Might Not Finish This Chapter." I didn't want to finish it, but I did. I think I was hoping it would all get better or make sense in some appealing way. It didn't.

So here's the thing...my life has been pretty marred and clogged by worry and stress lately. Actually it's been a while but that's a whole different story. Kind of. Anyways...I don't consider these two characteristics to define me. They are things I struggle with. That's it. Here's another fun fact about me, I hate sin. Francis brings up in the book that people say they hate sin because they are afraid of the consequences. People hate the consequences of sin, not the actual sin.

I can totally see that.

I know people who have sex and drink and vandalize things all the time. When I talk to them about these things they tell me that they were wrong and that they feel bad and that they hope that they will be forgiven. Two days later they're back at it.

I hate sin. I do find myself hating it because I know there are consequences, but don't let that discredit the fact that I truly hate it. I hate alcohol and what it does to people. I hate sex before marriage because I know how destroying it can be to a heart, even more so to a soul. I hate it when people lie, and I hate that people have the illusion that lies can help situations. Lies hurt, they always hurt.

I hate sin because it does stuff to people, the sinner and the other persons involved. I know. I've been on both ends. There's just something about sin that seems to take pieces of your soul away.

Which brings me back to Francis. He called me arrogant. Here's where I struggle with writing this...who am I to disagree with Francis Chan? But then again, who is Francis Chan to call me arrogant?

In chapter 4 Francis touches on stress and worry. Here's what get's me....

" Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance."

No.

It's not okay to sin, but do worry and stress really fall under that category? I am worried and stressed a lot, but I don't think that those two issues in my life communicate in any way that it's okay to sin. Like I said, I hate sin. I HATE it. How it makes me feel, how it makes others feel, and most importantly how it makes God feel. It's not okay to sin. I'm human and there's really no avoiding it, but that doesn't make it okay. I'm human: humans are broken sinners.

Trusting God has always been hard for me. This Godly living has been a learning process, and I guess I do see how being worried and stressed can discredit my trust in Him. But I don't think what's going on in my life is "exceptional." I don't think that these issues deserve more attention than God. I guess I just like to think of my God as a God who cares about me when I'm stressed, who will comfort me when I'm worried...not a God who thinks I'm putting myself above him because I feel these things.

And finally, I am not arrogant.

ar·ro·gant/ˈarəgənt/
Adjective: Having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities

I stress and I worry because I am a broken human being. I don't have a higher sense of importance because I feel these things, but rather the complete opposite.

I'm being torn down to be brought up again by my God, who is the most important being of all. His abilities will forever outstretch my own. I worry and I stress, I just do. I pray that one day things will be different.

So maybe I'm just agitated by this because Francis is right and the change I need to make scares me. Maybe we have different views of who God is. I hope my God doesn't think of me as arrogant or unable to trust or that I think I'm above Him, and I really hope he doesn't think that I see my self as exceptional by any means. I hope my God understands. I hope He understands that I'm broken, this world is broken, and that I'm trying...I really am.

I am much more open to the book now and I've made it well passed chapter one. There are parts I disagree with, as you now know, but there are also parts that I do agree with. I have a lot of growing to do, to say the least. This Christian thing is not easy.

sometimes.

2011-07-18T17:33:00.000-04:00

sometimes.. God needs to break you before He can fix you. sometimes.. your ideal plan for your life isn't going to fit into HIS plan for your life. sometimes.. people are going to hurt you so bad you have no other option to think it must have been your fault, because you have no idea why someone would want to hurt you like that. and sometimes...sometimes life really sucks.

sometimes.

some·times /ˈsəmˌtīmz/
Adverb: Occasionally, rather than all of the time: "sometimes I want to cry".

always.

al·ways/ˈôlˌwāz/Adverb
1. At all times; on all occasions. 2. Throughout a long period of the past.

sometimes life really sucks. "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."-Psalm 6: 6-7

But I need to remember...

it won't always be this way. "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."-Psalm 27:14

God's more important than a balloon.

2011-07-14T18:33:00.000-04:00

Recently I witnessed a tragedy.

I watched as a little girl, approximately age 3, gleefully trotted out of Target. In one hand she gripped the side of her mother's skirt, and in the other she clutched a long white string, a bright orange balloon hung about three feet above her head.

Now some of you may be asking, what's so tragic about a happy little girl holding a balloon? Others of you, though, can probably guess where all this is going...

A distraction.

A slip of the fingers.

Heartbreak.

I watched helplessly from the seat of my car as the girls mother sprinted after the balloon. I glanced over at the little girl, a glimmer of hope shone in her eyes as she watched her mothers attempt to save her bright orange treasure.

My stomach surged as the mother made one last attempt at the balloon.

She jumped. She reached. She missed.

I sighed. She tried so hard to salvage her daughter's balloon. Instantly I looked back to her little daughter. I could see the resolve in her eyes as she realized her balloon was gone. It took maybe 2 seconds to process before she burst into tears.

Tragic. Utterly tragic.

But what is it about a balloon? Why did the little girl value it so much that she became heartbroken at it's demise?

A thought dawned on me. That whole entire day she was the only person I saw with a balloon, and I had seen many people. It wasn't just a balloon to her, it was a symbol. Having that balloon made her feel special. No one else had the pleasure of having a bright orange balloon like she did... and in a matter of seconds the thing that made her feel special vanished.

No more special.

So it's more than a balloon. Humans want to be set apart from each other...we want to feel a sense of significance. I have never met anyone who doesn't want recognition in some way, shape, or form.

So she lost more than a balloon, she lost what made her unique. special. significant.

It's human nature to try to be fulfilled or made whole by material things. But there's a problem with that. Even if she hadn't let go of her balloon, it wouldn't have lasted much longer anyways. Balloons pop, deflate, shrivel up. Same with cars...okay, they don't deflate, but cars break down and rust and simply die out.

We try so hard to make our significance known in the world, when the truth is we will never find that through worldly things. The only one we need to be significant to is God, and we don't even have to prove how special we are to Him.

It's not about toys, clothes, cars, or houses. It's about Him. It's about the earth and the wind and the trees. It's about our relationships with people. It's about our faith in the one who created us. That's where we find our significance. Putting time and energy into loving our world, our brothers and sisters, and God is the only way to be fulfilled in the way we want to be.

One Year.

2011-07-09T23:05:00.001-04:00

A year ago today I was on a 36 hour bus ride (eek!) to Colorado... I was unknowingly about to embark on the most amazing week of my life. It's so crazy how God's plans play out. A year ago to the day I didn't believe in Jesus. Now I look back and wonder how I ever could have rejected Him, how I ever managed to make it that far in life without Him.

I talk about Wilderness a lot, which is a bit of an understatement if I'm being honest. When something that big happens to you, you try SO hard to explain it to people, to get them to understand why it's so important. Truth is, no explanation is ever going to make sense in words like it does in your heart. Life altering events such as Wilderness cause something magical to happen deep inside your soul. It's so frustrating because I want to be able to express to people how much of an impact that trip had on me, but no one will fully understand. That trip was something special, between me and God, and to this day I am still in awe.

Wilderness Ranch will forever hold a very big piece of my heart. I am amazed at how truly perfect that whole experience was. My leaders (Mike and Sarah), my guides (Rachel and Bix), all the amazing people who went on that adventure that with me (wolfpack, holla!). Truly perfect. 9 more days until my one year anniversary since becoming a Christian. It's been a tough year, but if it weren't for Wilderness, I wouldn't have had the hope and comfort of Jesus to make it through.

(This quote highly compelled me to sign up for the trip! It was on top of the brochure.)

( Wolf Pack! Oscar, Seth, Hadyn, Danny, Bryce, Ben, Jake, Madisyn, Audrey, ME!, Raechel, Katie. Not pictured: Mike! Sarah, Rachel, Bixby!)

Love all of you guys who were a part of this experience. Thanks for being a part of the week that changed my life :)

everything I'm not.

2011-07-06T21:11:00.000-04:00

Sigh. It is so easy to get caught up in the "am nots" of life. My mind is so quick to jump to everything I'm not rather to everything that I am.

For example.

I am not good enough. I am not pretty. I am not valued. I am not tan. I am not her. I am not fun. I am not talented. I am not british.....and the list goes on. It can make life pretty bleak and far less magical. I was once asked a question. A very simple question yet I could not conjure up a confident answer if my life depended on it.

"What are you good at?"

Well nothing, of course. Our society teaches us not to be overconfident. Not only that, but we are commonly stripped of any confidence we do have thanks to celebrities and the media. Society is constantly shoving everything we're not down our throats, so of course my mind instantly becomes engulfed by everything I am not. This idea is repeated to us over and over again, all day every day. What I am not is constantly punching me in the face, never letting me forget it's there.

I still can't answer that question confidently. I don't know what I'm good at and I really don't particularly like anything about myself. This stuff isn't repeated to me like the "am nots." I've tried reading little notes to myself, or just simply repeating positive messages in my head...but the "am nots" are just too powerful for my mind to drown out. The necessary repetition to actually believe the "I ams" is almost impossible to hold on to.

The only thing I know that I am is lost...very, very lost.

refreshing.

2011-06-28T17:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes... all too often for me lately... the world can move awfully fast. It's that weird kind of movement where life feels really slow and boring at the moment, but looking back you have no idea where the time's gone.

In the past week I've felt a whirlwind of emotions. A heartbreak, some bitterness, anger, frustration, grieving, joy, numbness...my minds been spinning, to say the least. Today I was finally able to just be. No agenda, no place to be, no one to please. Time and life finally coincided to a pace that wasn't too strenuous for my tired mind to keep up with. It was fantastic. Today I was pleased by the little things. Warm sand between my toes, refreshingly large waves crashing over my body, taking all my fears and anxieties away with each swell, unforced laughter. Nothing extravagant yet enough to make me feel like royalty.

Today felt like rejuvenation in every sense of the word. Maybe it was the beach, maybe it was the company, maybe it was God....all I know is that today was good. Today gave me hope. Today was refreshing. And the best part is today isn't even over yet.

Pray people. It really works.

the beat of my heart beats for You.

2011-06-22T16:29:00.000-04:00

the rhythm to my heart is gone. my own unique pattern of beats has morphed into a heavy, somber compilation composed by someone I don't know... someone cold and dark. it's not my tune.

i've felt heartbreak before, when in one moment everything you were sure of in the world collapses and you feel like your whole world is shattered into a million pieces. it happens so quick. and it's frustrating because something that takes just a moment can take days and months and years to repair. lately I have been feeling heartbreak much too often. one after the other. and i'm constantly playing catch up from trying to repair what was already broken the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. i feel so fragile. i hate feeling that way, especially when i'm stuck in a pattern of thinking that leaves me no control. i feel like i can't prevent or repair my own brokenness, i feel like it's not up to me.

but the thing is i am in control, but i'm letting go of it. today something that should have made me so happy ended up making my heart drop into my butt and my whole body go completely numb, my mind running way too fast for the rest of me to catch up and tell it to just.slow.down.

it happens so quickly.

and I get trapped. and what's an appropriate reaction when you get stuck? you freak out a little and try to get un-stuck. so freak out I did. but it's like quicksand. the more you struggle, the harder it is for you to get yourself out. and when, finally, you catch your breath and allow your head to stop spinning, the thing you were freaking out about tends to be not that big of a thing in the first place. but for me my heart still feels like it got punched a couple of times after all of that happens. my rhythm is getting more and more altered by each little heartbreak along the way. what used to be quick and steady and energetic is now slow, heavy, and dull.

i've been praying a lot lately, praying hard. in some ways i'm moving forward, but in other ways i feel like i'm walking up the down escalator, going no where. i feel like there is some big piece that i'm missing. i've been actively focusing on trying to let God in, let Him break me and fix me in all the ways necessary, but the connection has never felt this off before. i feel no connection.

less than a month until my one year "anniversary," if you will. what a year. while that seems long in some respect, it also feels ridiculously short compared to the journey that lies ahead. today that thought comforts me. this is just a season. it will pass. and it will probably come again. and pass again... until finally I am welcomed home.

the beat of my heart is different, but then again no composer makes beautiful music all the time. to God it's beautiful. hopefully one day soon it will sound alright to me as well. as long as the song my heart plays brings joy to Him, I guess i'm alright with it no matter how it sounds.

bigger than love.

Chapter 19

2011-06-19T23:17:00.000-04:00

I can't decide if it's comforting to have figured out the biggest problem in my life, or if it's even more frightening than not knowing. I say that because now I am faced with having to deal with it, when before it was much easier to ignore because I didn't know what it was that needed to be dealt with.

I don't love myself.

That one dilemma causes a whole slew of other problems. If I don't love myself, I can't possibly love God. And if I don't love myself or God there is no way I can love other people. It's crazy how one issue can cause such a ripple effect on the rest of my life. It's not like I haven't realized this before, I am acutely aware of how hard I am on myself, but the pieces didn't quite click until the past few days. I figured that since I strongly care about other people it didn't matter that I didn't quite care much about myself. But that's wrong.

I just finished reading the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Chapter 19 is my life. Chapter 19 is all about love and how Don didn't love himself, and how his value came from his girlfriend and not from God. He said that God placed the specific commandment Love your neighbor as yourself on his heart, realizing he would never treat his neighbor the way he treats himself.

I would never talk to someone the way I talk to myself. Ever. I don't love myself, and it's making my life hell. I don't know how to let God love me. I don't feel worthy or deserving at all, a problem I'm sure almost every Christian feels at some point or another. I'm realizing that not loving myself is kind of a slap in the face to God. He created me and He loves me and to Him I'm His masterpiece...yet here I am basically saying His work is crap.

Not only do I feel unworthy of God's love, but any love. I can't accept love. It sucks. I don't believe it when people tell me they love me and I need reassurance and constant reminders because I'm desperate for value and self worth. I'm never satisfied. And it all starts with me loving me...until I can do that I'll never be able to be fulfilled by the promise of God's free gift. Until I feel worthy enough for myself I will never feel worthy enough for God or anyone else.

A friend reminded me tonight that God doesn't make mistakes. I'm not a mistake, God didn't mess up somewhere with me, I'm not unfixable. God doesn't make mistakes. Why is this so hard for me to remember? The frustrating part about chapter 19 is that Don said from that moment on he started to love himself. He said that moment of realization was the turning point for him, and that ever since he figured that out he's been much happier. It's not that easy for me. I want to be like "okay sweet, I love myself now," but I just can't. I can't figure out how to shut off the negative voices constantly playing in my head.

Like I said, I don't know if I'm comforted by the realization of this issue or if it just brings me more fear. I guess it's a bit of both. I am fearful of not knowing where to go from here, but comforted that I seem to be taking a step in the right direction. The past few days have been hard, but the result of it has been a step forward...and for that I am happy.

This is my prayer for myself, and I encourage you to pray for these things as well. We need to be able to love ourselves to be able to love one another, and that's what we are called to do. If you could give a shout out for me that would be great, and if you have any prayer requests I'd be more than happy to hear them =]

God,

I pray that you will help me realize

I am your perfect masterpiece.

I pray that you can help

guide my thoughts away from

negativity and doubt.

Continue to help me

move forward

and help me remember You love me.

I pray that you can help me

gain some love for myself too, so I can

give my heart to doing what you called us all here to do:

Love.

God I pray for Love.

Amen.

P.S.

If you haven't already, definitely give Blue Like Jazz a read! Such a great book.

I can't think of a title..but you should read it anyways.

2011-06-10T22:58:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been struggling with feeling God's love. I read about it, I hear about it...but I just don't get it. I'm not necessarily an "I need proof" type of person, quite frankly I think "proof" is overrated, but I do thrive on feelings and emotion. I don't need God to prove to me that He loves me, because I already know that. And because I know that I can't help but think that the problem lies within me. I think I'm broken. Not metaphorically but literally. Maybe I can't accept love, maybe my "love acceptor" is broken. (It's a real thing, google it.) I know He loves me from the facts. Exhibit A, Jesus died on the cross for me. I also know He loves me because I've felt it before. But now, now I feel unbelievably disconnected. I'm caught in this cycle where I am trying to live and love and make the most out of life, but I have totally left God out of this process. I'm not succeeding because joy and happiness lie in Christ, and Christ is the one I've turned my back on. Which brings me to my dilemma. I'm turning my back on Jesus because my stupid love acceptor is broken! I just don't get how to let Him love me, and even more so I don't know how to feel His love. And right now my world is so empty of love. Godly and worldly.

When I have thoughts running round and round in my head like this, I like to try and turn my mind off from my own noise. Music is a good remedy for that. A lot of times with music I like to pretend that it's God speaking to me. This song is perfect for my current realm of thought.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain

Is blowing in your face

And the whole world

Is on your case

I could offer you

A warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows

And the stars appear

And there is no one there

To dry your tears

I could hold you

For a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you

Haven't made

Your mind up yet

But I would never

Do you wrong

I've known it

From the moment

That we met

No doubt in my mind

Where you belong

I'd go hungry

I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling

Down the avenue

No, there's nothing

That I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging

On the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

Though winds of change

Are throwing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing

Like me yet

I could make you happy

Make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends

Of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

Help.

2011-06-02T18:52:00.003-04:00

I feel like I’m kind of an idiot. That’s a harsh word, but it’s basically right. I became a Christian less than a year ago, and I probably know just as much about the bible and Jesus and all that good stuff now as I did then. Which is not very much, not very much at all.

Totally high on Jesus at the start of my freshman year in college, I signed up and participated in every Christian event and program I possibly could. Young Life, Campus Ministries, small groups, church services...and the list goes on. I met a lot of great people, did a lot of great things, had a lot of great fun...but after a while I think that’s all I did it for. Fun. Not that that’s a totally awful thing, but after a while I lost the point. I was going to events and activities simply as a way to make me happy. A temporary fix, as I soon found out. I don’t even know if I can say that I even tried to learn anything about Jesus after a while. I went for the people, or to escape boredom. I went because I have this crazy anxiety about missing stuff. If I missed this activity I’d be left out in the future, If I miss that event I won’t get to see so and so, I can’t miss this because this person’s expecting me to be there. I wasn’t going or doing this stuff for me and my journey anymore. I was going for everyone else. I was going to achieve wordly satisfactions when really all I needed was to be focusing on my relationship with Jesus and the undeniable satisfaction I’d get from Him. It’s not like I didn’t want or desire a relationship with Him, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to learn and grow in my faith. It was just.. scary.

I would close my eyes to it all because when I looked I didn’t like what I would see. I saw a really steep, narrow, rocky path that shot in all different directions...a path that looked impossible to take alone. The idea of not being able to make it was worse than ignoring it all together, so ignore I did.

It’s all just so overwhelming! I didn’t know what I was doing! I was lost. I am lost. Jesus? What? He got nailed to a cross, and now all of my sins are just gone? The Bible? There’s so many people and stories and occurrences in that thing. Where do I start? What am I supposed to be looking for? How am I supposed to relate this stuff that happened so long ago to my life here and now? I just don’t know! And then life happened. It happened a lot, over and over again. And I was defeated. I was exhausted and emotional and scared. I knew what I needed to be focused on but I just couldn’t do it. I felt second best in everything and to everyone. I couldn’t even figure out day to day life, let alone a Godly one. I still have this burning sensation deep in my heart and soul. At first I loved it. Adrenaline pumping, my body full of desire and longing for my creator, curiosity. Now it just feels like I have a bad case of heart burn and an unquenchable thirst that can only be fixed by the living water I cannot find.

I feel like a little kid that just got thrown into a pool with no life jacket on. I’m struggling to stay afloat. My muscles are tired and weak and my heart is pumping and I can’t really see all that well and there’s this voice in the back of my head whispering to me that it would be so much easier to Just. Give. Up. And all my friends are standing on the edge of the pool, watching. Remembering. They’ve all been there at one point. Yet here I am drowning and all I want is for one of them to give my their hand and pull me out. The secret to my being saved is playing on their lips. And there I am, stuck in the middle of the chaos of waves and splashing, failing. Satan has his grip on my ankle; every time I start to feel a little bit weaker he pulls me down even more, and I’m just so tired. I’m defeated by what I do not know, and I do not know Jesus.

Help me.

The little things.

2011-05-28T22:21:00.000-04:00

You know that one saying.. that "bigger is always better"? Yeah, not totally true. Not for a broken heart that is. And sometimes the smallest acts of kindness can seem unimportant or cliché...but they can also make a persons world go round. At the end of the day it's not about how big your house is, what clothes you wear, what kind of car you drive; it's about everything that made you smile that day. I often get a hard time for how much I...appreciate...facebook and all of it's social networking glories. But to be honest, a simple thing such as "liking" a status or a photo of mine, writing on my wall, sending me a message, or (outside of facebook) a random text message, a note left on my car, a phone call.. even if you're only a few blocks away.....simple things like that make my world go round. And, although it feels like it at times, I bet I'm not the only one who feels this way. So if you care about someone, let them know. And remember, it's the little things in life that matter the most.

What a miracle.

2011-05-21T22:26:00.000-04:00

I sit here alone in my quiet, empty house. It's the eve of my Baptism and I'm in a panic. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm ready or qualified or something and hoping that it will be more than me just simply getting dunked under water. It's gotta be more, right? There are times when I'm so certain my God is there and for me, that He made me and loves me and has a purpose for me. Then there are times like now when I'm alone and the thoughts creep in to my head and I can't stop them. They take over my mind, paralyze my soul, and make my stomach twist into knots because I can't help but think to myself I just don't know. Tears fill up my eyes and my breathing becomes difficult enough for me to be anxious about it. And I just scream to God to somehow give me a sign, a miracle...something to show me these thoughts are that of the devil and that everything is going to be okay. As soon as these fears tighten their grip on my mind, they just as quickly disappear when I realize something: I'm a miracle. I just inhaled. A miracle. I just exhaled. Another miracle. I just blinked, like, ten times in a row...miracle. My fingers are typing the exact letters my mind wants them too. Heck my fingers can move....now THAT is a miracle. He is showing me a miracle, He has been this whole time. Jesus made a blind guy see. Awesome. The real miracle is that He allows billions and trillions of people to see. To breathe. To walk. To talk. To think. To laugh. To cry. To dance. To sing. To jump and kick and yell and shake their heads and brush their hair and do so many stinkin' things we don't realize are miracles each.and.every.day. And there are times when you feel so not worth it and other times when nothing seems like it's going right and times where you'd rather cry than even think about anything because it's just.too.much. But it's never too much because God would never ever give us more than we can handle. He has faith in us, even when we don't have faith in Him. The world didn't come to an end at 6 p.m. today....what a miracle. You're reading this right now...miraculous. I'm getting Baptized tomorrow.

Now that is a miracle.

He provides.

2011-05-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

Sunshine. The warm summer breeze. Wind chimes singing somewhere off in the distance. Birds chirping. The sweet scent of the fresh grass, flowers, and trees. Long walks. Bike rides. Sitting out on the back porch.

It's summer.

Once I got home a lot of fears gripped my mind. I had no job, nothing to do, no one to hang out with. All I've wanted since being home is to just be with people who know me...but then I realized no one really knows me anymore. I experienced a lot of life this past school year. My friends from high school know who I was and where I've been, but know nothing of the journey that led me to where I am. My friends from school have only seen me swept up in the chaos that was my life this past year. I've grown and learned a lot, my experiences shaping the person I am today. But I'm still me, I've just been hiding for quite some time. There's a new person forming in me.. I'm the combination of who I was a year ago mixed in with all I've gone through in the past months. And I'm actually kind of excited about it.

What I love about summer is the fact that it's a break. Not just from school, but from life. Summer is the perfect time to reinvent yourself, learn something new, hang out with different people. The sunshine that was hidden behind the gray of winter is out and waiting for you to soak it up. And no matter how old you are, summer is the time to be a little kid again. Go to the beach, make a sand castle, play in a creek, get muddy, catch fire flies, roast marshmallows, ride your bike, draw with sidewalk chalk, blow bubbles...just because you can!

If there's one thing I've learned, God provides. He provides us with beautiful summer days. He provides us with crazy storms, showing the beauty of this life through the rolls of thunder and the bolts of lightening. In my life He's provided me with wonderful communities of people, amazing friends who love me and give me guidance, a job, and so many other blessings. I've also learned that without bad times there would be no good times, the bad just makes the good even better. But the most important thing I've learned is that life is a beautiful gift from God, and that it should be cherished. Every moment.

Summer, what a perfect time to realize that. I still have a lot of fears for the summer that lay ahead, but now I have some hope too. Thank you Jesus.

amazing grace.

2011-05-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

When I was a junior in high school I watched a dateline episode which featured an unbelievably broken man sharing his story with the world. The sadness was evident in every curve and crevice of his face. His name: David Goldman.

I'd like to share his story. Maybe it will impact you as much as it has me these last few years.

Two years after meeting Brazilian woman Bruna Bianchi, David Goldman made her his wife. They soon welcomed a baby boy named Sean into the world. A picture perfect family, interrupted by tragedy. When Sean was four, David drove him and wife Bruna to the airport on what was supposed to be a two week vacation for the mother and son to her home country, Brazil. A few days after arriving, Bruna called David to tell him she and Sean were never coming back, and that she wanted him to sign over full custody of Sean. Although she continuously told David he was a wonderful father, she divorced him in Brazilian courts and only allowed short, rare phone calls between Sean and his dad. Bruna remarried a Brazilian attorney and became pregnant with a girl. All the while David fought relentlessly from his home in New Jersey, desperately trying to get his son back. Sean had been abducted, according to law, and should have been returned within 6 weeks due to a international treaty Brazil signed called the Hague Treaty. With another twist of events, Bruna died in childbirth. Still, Sean was not returned to his dad. His Brazilian step father and his grandparents on his mother's side refused to return him, saying the boy should stay in Brazil. To make matters worse, the Brazilian courts made this dispute extremely long and extremely complicated. It wasn't until the United States government refused to renew a trade deal with Brazil, costing their economy 3 million dollars, that Brazil finally moved this case along. David, after almost 5 years, finally got his son returned to him on Christmas eve 2009. It was not a cordial handover. Although Sean's Brazilian family was offered a private entrance into the Embassy, they chose to drag him through the crowded streets filled with paparazzi and reporters, fear plastered all over the 9 year old boys face. Through it all, though, Sean remained brave and resilient. Sean has now been home with his father in New Jersey for about a year and a half. Dateline did an update story on the father and son, who seem to be doing really well. The bond they had built so many years ago is clearly still in tact. David has been doing everything to make sure Sean is happy and adjusting, weekly therapy visits a part of that journey. Sadly, the nightmare for this father and son is not over. Sean's Brazilian family continues to file appeals, hoping to overturn the ruling that brought Sean back home to his real father.

There are still around 2800 abducted children just like Sean who have yet to be returned home.

This boy has experienced being abducted, the death of his mother, the threats from his Brazilian family in regards to his father, and psychiatric reports confirming the brain washing of the boy against his real dad. David, abandoned by his wife, had his young son kidnapped from him for nearly 5 years. He has experienced so much emotional trauma. So much money spent on legal bills and attorneys and flights to Brazil. And yet they still stand, held up by God's gracious hands.

This family has a lot more healing to do, and if I've learned anything since becoming a believer it's this: prayer works in astounding ways. This family needs prayers.

Looking back at this story I can't help but sigh in awe of how great our God is. Of all the days, this boy was returned on Christmas Eve. Of all the ways this boy could have reacted, he and his real dad are doing remarkably well. Out of all the pain and trauma, hope and love and life is everywhere in this healing family. I encourage you to look up videos of this story, the love and affection and longing David has in his voice when speaking about Sean is astounding, encouraging, and heartbreaking. This story reminds me that life is a precious gift, and that faith can get you through anything.

Praying for you Goldman family.

heartache.

2011-05-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

What a broken world we dwell in.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. The man who essentially is responsible for the deaths of approximately 3,000 innocent victims, dead. First reaction: elated. Ten years ago our country was brought together by tragedy. After hearing the news, my mind almost immediately turned towards the families of those whose lives were taken. The ones left behind, stuck here in this war torn world..what a victory for them. I can only imagine how powerless these people must have felt these past ten years. It's in our human nature to desire revenge, answers, justification. Today they got that. My heart feels for them. At the same time, my heart feels for Osama Bin Laden.

It's easy to hate. It's easy to understand the cheers and the celebration that's being brought about by this news. What's hard is realizing that God loved that man. In the bible it says that we are called to love and that God's love shows no favoritism and that no sin is worse than another. Never has that been more confusing to me than it is in this situation. God loved that man, God wants us to love that man. My heart breaks for the families affected by the actions of Osama Bin Laden. But my heart also breaks for him. My heart breaks at how far off the path he wandered. My heart breaks for his blindness. My heart breaks for his heart...or lack there of.

I'm left numb and unsure how to react. I find it odd to find joy in the death of one of God's children...but after all the hurt that man's caused I can't help but feel relieved. Not for myself or for military purposes, but for the families who needed this closure. I hope that somehow good can come from this situation, but it's hard to see that good right now. So much pain. Bin Laden's been dead for a long time. His body now joins the death of his soul.

All I can say is I pray that the families affected by Bin Laden and 9/11 can find some peace tonight. I pray for our country, our president, and our troops who risk their lives to save our lives. And I praise Jesus for dying on the cross for broken people such as ourselves.

Thanks for the memories.

2011-04-27T14:40:00.000-04:00

As I sit here in my empty dorm room, I can't help but reflect on this year. Here's some of the good, the bad, and everything in between :)

*Dorm Rooms: 3 of them*

*Boxes of mac n cheese= not good noise makers for football games. Just sayin. Still gettin' that cheese off my purse.*

*Intro to Archaeology and Greek Civ....what was I thinking???*

*Katie Howard*

*Allison Capoferi*

*242 group*

*Jenison YL*

*GVSU YL*

*work crew weekend*

*A in WRT 150*

*Campus Ministry!*

*Mars Hill Bible Church*

*Getting stuck in a Wal Mart due to a Tornado=awesome*

*Passion 2011, what a blessing*

*Sledding and post-sledding worship session*

*CPRs*

*Spring Break mission trip to PUERTO RICO!*

*Nana died :( *

*Strep Throat, Pneumonia...cool*

*Ovarian cyst, kidney stone....even better*

*Hannah*

*Dean Waldron*

*Hanging out at CDC*

*Community bathrooms...yuck*

*Late nite!*

*snowboarding with campus ministry!*

*Maundy Thursday service*

*yoga. claire crowley=nuts*

*papers, finals, projects...woo*

*new friends*

*all nighters*

*Good old Zumberge Library*

*Fire alarms at 2 am*

What a year.

Awake my soul.

2011-04-24T23:14:00.000-04:00

I'm not me. I've felt this way for some time now, but I didn't quite know if it was a bad thing or not. It's bad. I'm not me. I thought that maybe I was just growing, or becoming more like the person God wants me to be...but I'm going in the opposite direction. Gravity is pulling me to God, but I'm pushing Him away. Instead of growing I'm just shrinking a little more each day. I'm walking, but I'm not moving forward. It feels like I'm going nowhere.

Today, easter, it became clear to me what I need in my life. I need a resurrection. Not resuscitation, I don't want to revive the old, but rather a complete and total renewal...because right now I'm dead. I need to be brought back to life. Right now I'm not giving half as much as I need to be. Not to myself, to my friends, to my family, and even more importantly to God. I need to be made new. I have so much more to give, so much more to offer. Here's my prayer, and I hope it's not too much to ask for you to pray these things for me too:

Jesus.

You died a brutal death for me.

You saved me and gave me a life to live,

but I'm blowing it.

You died and were resurrected because You are good.

I pray that You can see good in me.

I pray that somehow I can be brought back to life.

Jesus, I love You..I am so unworthy..but I pray that through

Your love, love that I trust and believe in, that

I can be given new life.

Jesus I pray that you rock my world.

Flip it upside down, inside out, and shake it up

until all the dead has fallen away

and there's nothing but a pure, clean heart

that loves You with it's entirety.

I have so much more to give.

I need You Jesus,

I pray that You will fill my life again.

I pray that You fill my life with new life.

You are good, so good.

That empty tomb is the only thing giving me hope right now.

Heal me Lord, please, heal me.

Amen.

My soul is dry, tired, and empty. There was once a spark in me...not anymore. I yearn for the fire in my heart again. Awake my soul O lord, I don't want to waste another second of this life you died for me to live.

Love..such a silly game we play.

2011-04-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

A journal entry from the beginning of the year:

She sat with me while I cried. My irrational, seemingly unprovoked tears streamed from my eyes, the silence broken by my sobs. She stroked my hair, a rather soothing action I had never really experienced before. No one has ever sat with me while I cried; she was the first. Although I was engulfed in immense sadness, the vibe was loving and I could tell she cared. She didn’t need to speak, but when she did she knew just what to say. I wish I could have explained to her why I felt this way, I wish I could have explained it to myself. I have no idea. The fact that I’ve felt these emotions before is what’s most scary. The last time I felt this way was at the lowest point in my entire life. I do not want to go back to that place with all that is in me. I hope and I pray it’s not happening again. The only comforting thing about my situation right now is that this time around I have God on my side..at least this time around I realize it.

Not only did she sit there and watch me fall to pieces, she prayed. She prayed for me.. a deep and heartfelt prayer. That may have been one of the nicest things a person’s ever done for me. She is so good, I don’t know how I can ever repay her. It kills me to have had her seen me that way. I worry that she spends so much time and energy helping other people that she isn’t getting help herself. I wish I was strong enough to help her, I wish our friendship was more co-dependent than what it is now. Right now she is saving me. I need her, and I’m afraid she doesn’t need me back.

I miss who I was. I remember wishing that I would not lose myself, wishing that who I was at that time..when I was happy..would stay with me forever. I liked the type of person I was for the first time...well...ever. Once I came to college it’s like I evaporated. What kills me is that I can feel it, I am barely holding on to what I can of who I was. I am desperately trying not to lose what piece of me I still have. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe it’s not worth the effort, not worth the time and energy I spend every day trying to be who I was.

Re-reading this now, 5/6 months later is disheartening yet encouraging at the same time. A lot has changed since I wrote this...in good ways and bad. As it turns out, it did happen again, and is still happening. I look back on my freshman year and there's a lot of gray. A lot of blessings, but a lot of darkness, often times marring all the good I've experienced.

What's changed since I wrote this is that then I didn't know why. I didn't understand why I was sad..and not just for a little while, but all the time. I just didn't get it. We're all broken, THAT I do understand...but how other people could still keep it together when I couldn't just baffled me.

I have a problem. Now I say it's a problem...but I'm not sure if it's necessarily something that needs to be fixed. I love to love. I leave my heart wide open...but so far it's only gotten more and more beat up. There are times when I let people in so deep I end up getting destroyed in the end, because although they mean everything to me, I don't mean nearly as much to them. This is why I'm sad. It's awful knowing that in every relationship I've ever had with anyone that I've never measured up.

When I re-read this journal entry, I can feel the desperation in my words as if I wrote it yesterday. I firmly believed at that point that I couldn't go through what I had before again. I had no doubt in my mind that I wasn't strong enough. But the encouraging part about all of this is... I'm still standing. I'm weak and I'm broken and I'm hurt and I'm exhausted...but I'm still standing. Thank you Jesus.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."- Isaiah 41:10

Although my heart continues to put me through hell and back, I will never stop loving. I can't. God called each and everyone of us to love. After all, "love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."- 1Corinthians 13:7. Instead of letting the hurt engulf me, I need to continue loving as Jesus did. "Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God's law."-Romans 13:10.

outsider looking in.

2011-04-12T12:30:00.000-04:00

"Certainly there were many hours of prayer, many days and months of retreat, and countless conversations with spiritual directors, but I had never fully given up the role of bystander. Even though there has been in me a lifelong desire to be an insider looking out, I nevertheless kept choosing over and over again the position of the outsider looking in. Sometimes this looking-in was a curious looking-in, sometimes a jealous looking-in, sometimes an anxious looking-in, and, once in a while, even a loving looking-in. But giving up the somewhat safe position of the critical observer seemed like a great leap into totally unknown territory. I so much wanted to keep some control over my spiritual journey, to remain able to predict at least a part of the outcome, that relinquishing the security of the observer for the vulnerability of the returning son seemed close to impossible. Teaching students, passing on the many explanations given over the centuries to the words and actions of Jesus, and showing them the many spiritual journeys that people have chosen in the past seemed very much like taking the position of one of the four figures surrounding the divine embrace. The two women standing behind the father at different distances, the seated man staring into space and looking at no one in particular, and the tall man standing erect and looking critically at the event on the platform in front of him- they all represent different ways of not getting involved. There is indifference, curiosity, daydreaming, and attentive observation; there is staring, gazing, watching, and looking; there is standing in the background, leaning against an arch, sitting with arms crossed, and standing with hands gripping each other. Every one of these inner and outer postures is all too familiar to me. Some are more comfortable than others, but all of them are ways of not getting directly involved."- Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son.

Heard that. Thanks D.B. ...I am thoroughly enjoying this book. Learning to let go of the control and how to step out of the role of observer.

changing heart.

2011-04-06T23:10:00.000-04:00

So I know what you're thinking... two days in a row? Say whaaat? But yes, this is really happening right now.

I would like to share my most recent journal entry with all y'all. A lot has been on my heart and mind, often times coming in overwhelmingly large waves, drowning me with their enormity. I've been desperately searching for a life vest for some time now, and today I realized I've been looking in all the wrong places.

There's just something about a new journal. In a sense, I did not need this journal. I'm sure I have one floating around somewhere a little less than filled. But in another sense I did need this journal. I haven't been doing a lot for me lately. I worry way too much about what others think. Compliments are like drugs to me, and I can never get my fix. I constantly feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I act and think according to others. 'How can I please this person? What can I do to make so and so like me? Or notice me? Or care about me?' And no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put in, I will never be fulfilled. It's taken me a long time to truly realize this, but I will only ever be completely filled by the love of Jesus. Yes I've known this for a while now, but it's never held as much truth until this moment. Lately I've found myself creating the exact outcome that I've so desperately been trying to avoid. The more I cling and the harder I try to hold on, the more distance I'm putting in between me and people I love so desperately. I need to take care of myself. I need to think and act for myself and for Jesus first, not for other people, no matter how much I love them. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. People can't give me the love I'm looking for...only Jesus can do that. It's time for me to re-evaluate and put all I can into loving and serving in the name of Jesus. I can't keep living and thinking the way I have been. Too many times now I've been engulfed in the repercussions of loving things and people other than my maker. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I just can't do it anymore. It's funny...people have always told me to find solace through scripture. Today I was finally able to focus enough to open my heart and mind and really become absorbed in the word. I don't know why, but I was surprised to find how much peace I got from that. The burning ache deep inside my soul subsided enough for me to realize, I'm going to be okay.

"You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."

I've made bad choices, I've made mistakes, I've caused problems... boy have I caused problems... but I am more. I've been remade.

"...a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people."- [Romans 2:29]

Jesus is always the answer. It's funny how easy that is to forget sometimes. On a different note, here are some things that I found joy in today.

impromptu fashion show

singing worship music with lovely people

simple act of kindness

fun, care-free lunch with good friends

motivation

finding strength in weakness

the word of God

new pens+new journal=Target success

Dinner with an old and a new friend

newfound sense of peace, even in the slightest

randomly running into a friend

simple yet soul brightening compliments

stickers

laughter: unforced laughter.

the ability to be at peace with a hard decision

contentment

"Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace." - [Romans 6:14]

1.4.1.

2011-04-06T00:25:00.000-04:00

Today I was given the opportunity to put aside my own issues and do something bigger than myself. Today was TOMS One Day Without Shoes movement, where people forgo their everyday foot wear in an effort to bring awareness to those who lack this sometimes forgotten about necessity. As I walked on the cold concrete, the tender soles of my feet quickly started to feel the pain of the unfamiliar roughness. Throughout the day it became more and more difficult. I found myself hating the cobblestone in front of the Clock Tower and especially despising any type of asphalt. I found myself a little too excited to head in to Kirkhof as well, the smoothness and warmth of the floors a refreshing change from the cold, rough surfaces outside.

Now seems like a good time for an epiphany, eh?

As I was walking around with my bare little toes today, the whimpers of pain steadily increasing as the day went on, the thought occurred to me as to why this whole event was even happening in the first place. To bring awareness. Kids in developing countries don't even have the option to wear shoes. It's necessary for them to walk pretty much everywhere, and for long distances. As I was especially challenged by the seemingly long walk from my dorm to the Connection, the thought dawned on me that kids walk three times this distance everyday, multiple times a day. They walk on hard, dirty, rock filled paths covered in hot sand and who knows what else. And they don't have a choice.

It took a humbling day like today for me to remember that there is a lot of struggle in this world. Some is bigger than others, but it's still there. It's comforting to know that I am not alone, as well as knowing that a simple thing such as going without shoes for a day can impact and inspire change. Not just in my own life, but in many lives. Today also made me realize that organized events don't need to happen for change to be made. Each day is an opportunity for changes, it's just a matter of whether or not we embrace that opportunity.

Click me!

TOMS Shoes is an organization started by Blake Mycoskie. For every pair of shoes sold, another pair is given away to a child in need. One for One.

Unfortunate? Yes...but worth it.

2011-04-03T02:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I literally just want to sit down and scream and cry and stomp my feet because I am just so darn frustrated. I want to act 3 years old just for a second because honestly there are moments when I am just SO over being 18. I swear a little more keeps getting piled on everyday and I'm SICK OF IT. I am so sick and tired of seeing my life as something to get through. I'm getting to the point where simple tasks such as taking a shower or accumulating enough motivation just to go to class let alone pay attention in class are becoming impossible. I'm always waiting for some point in the future when everything will be clear and make sense even though I know that point doesn't exist. I know this yet each day I am still becoming more and more defeated. The worst part is I can see it. I can see it. It's awful knowing your life is going in the exact direction you don't want it to yet somehow can't seem to find a way to fix it. And I swear stupid little things happen at just the right moment, plummeting me further and further into the darkness I am so desperately trying to avoid. Events seemingly dumb or insignificant to most people, yet defining and soul breaking to me. Just when I think I am getting back on track I lose my keys, or get a ticket, or wash my phone. Nothing particularly life altering yet somehow heart wrenching to me. And stuff like that is SO stupid. The worst part is it's my own fault. It's my fault! It's my fault ridiculous stuff like that tears me up so much. It's my fault for being so low in the first place. It's all on me. I laugh and plaster a smile on my face and force myself to brush it off and joke about it, but inside my heart sinks a little bit more and the light in my soul becomes dimmer and dimmer. I've been asking a lot of "Why God?"s lately. Why God did I have to get that ticket? Why God did my Nana have to die now? Why God did I forget to take my stupid phone out of my pocket? Why? Why? Why? I know it's not the events themselves... there's a lot of underlying pain... but these unfortunate circumstances (that I swear happen to me more than most people) emphasize the hurt I feel deep within. Washing my phone and getting charged 60 bucks for losing my keys (thank you Grand Valley) are just the dumb occurrences that push me off the already unstable ledge I stand on every day.

(Sorry this isn't quite a feel good entry, but maybe this little closing part will make up for that in some way). I was feeling super crappy about my rapidly descending state of well being until I watched Francis Chan's main session talk from passion. He reminded me that Jesus lowered himself. Jesus...God's one and only son...the Messiah....lowered himself from the heavenly being that He is to become a human. A servant. Jesus. He did that willingly and here I am fighting it. This may not make you feel warm and fuzzy inside but suffering is inevitable. There are different forms and variations of it, but suffering is just a part of this life. In 1 Peter 4:13 it says "Instead, be very glad-for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world." All I gotta say is, dude...it's worth it. When and if you feel like me, and all you want to do is kick and scream and cry and shout....remember this: it won't always feel this way and while it does it all with be worth it in the end.

I am more.

2011-03-27T23:56:00.000-04:00

I sit here, a little girl with a broken heart. Yes I'm grown, yes I'm an adult, yes I know right from wrong. But because I'm grown and because I'm an adult and because I know right from wrong I also know this: there are times where weakness and fragility are inevitable and that sometimes vulnerability should be embraced and not ignored.

I was weak. I was fragile. I was vulnerable.
I am weak. I am fragile. I am vulnerable.
I am not afraid to be weak, for God is my strength. My fragility is in my hands, only I can break me. I trust in God, I trust that He will protect me in my vulnerability.

I hide behind a wall of insecurity. Never am I good enough for myself, for the fear of not being good enough for anyone else destroys any hope I may have for that confidence. I would like to blame it all on him, but deep down inside I know I played just as big a part in my being shattered to pieces as he did. I've let him have his grip on my heart and mind for too long. He didn't deserve my love and he sure as hell doesn't deserve my hate. He deserves nothing, and that's exactly what he's going to get.

As for me, I'm putting my energy and my passion into God. My past mistakes do not define me. For though I have fallen, I will rise again. The Lord will be my light.

>>>>> You are more.<<<<<

"As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies. The Lord will bring me into the light, and I will see his righteousness. Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side."- Micah 7:7-10

Isaiah 41:13

2011-03-24T12:28:00.000-04:00

So.. I'm scared. A lot is going on in the coming weeks of my life and I feel like it's all going too fast. I just want everything to slow down and freeze for a sec. The end of my freshman year is just around the corner and instead of that brewing some excitement within it's only bringing me fear, anxiety, and stress. Everything that needs to get done before May 1st is weighing me down and I'm afraid the stress and worry that comes with that is causing me to miss out on a lot. I don't want to let these last five weeks slip past me. Not only is there a lot to be done with school, but these are also the last five weeks I'll have to see a lot of people. Summer jobs, camps, internships, and vacations are just a few of the many things that I'm afraid will keep me from people I really love.

This summer I'm being called to what I know in my gut will be one of the greatest experiences of my life. I'm being called back to the place where it all started, one year later. I'm being called to Wilderness Ranch, a Young Life camp in Colorado, to serve God on summer staff. I'm being called, but I'm scared. The kind of scared that makes me want to go run and hide under the covers curled up into a little ball clutching my blankie, ear buds in place as I blast Eric Hutchinson, Amos Lee, and John Mayer, pretending all is well in the world and that nothing will ever hurt me. I fear the fear. I'm fearful of the fact that I fear something so good. I find myself making excuses of reasons why not to go, but then I realize not going will be one of the biggest regrets of my life.

This first year being a Christian has been the hardest year of my life by far. I feel like 5 weeks in Colorado will give me the time I need to sort through it all. Although I'm scared, I look forward to having 5 weeks of reflection and growth in the place where it all started for me. I'm not exactly sure what I'm afraid of. I don't know if it's fear of the unknown, or fear of the undeniable realization God's instilled in me that this June will be big.

I know my heart, but that's not the only thing that matters. To know other people's hearts is where you find God and what He wants you to learn. I'm not sure how ready I am, but I know one thing... I'm about to learn some big time lessons...and for that I can't wait.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

In Loving Memory.

2011-03-17T19:48:00.000-04:00

A Golden Heart

God saw you getting tired,

And a cure was not to be

So he put His arms around you,

And whispered, "Come with me".

With tearful eyes we watched you suffer,

And saw you fade away,

Although we loved you dearly,

We could not make you stay.

A golden hear stopped beating,

Hard working hands at rest,

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best.

This past week I experienced life and death in the most extreme form of the words. I got to serve in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to, yet while I was there I lost someone I love.

For a while all I could think was why me? I had enough crap going on in my life, and then this happens. My first emotions were anger and confusion towards God. He took her from me. Why? He's tearing me down once again. What did I do to deserve this? Am I really just not meant to be the slightest bit happy again?

My week in Puerto Rico had the elements to be a perfect escape. I was looking forward to warm weather, hard work, and spiritual awakening. I was looking forward to a break from my life, I wanted to find peace and happiness. Which I did, for a while.

It took me until my Nana's funeral on Monday to realize this isn't God doing all of these things to bring me down. This isn't God trying to hurt me. This isn't God punishing me or torturing me. God's trying to help me. His love and His grace has been surrounding me this entire time yet my first instinct was to lash out at Him and blame Him. I let satan tighten his grip around me. I was letting him win.

At the funeral God proved yet again He'll never let go, even when I do. He wrapped His arms around me with His Grace and His love and He carried me.

I miss my Nana so much it hurts. It's gonna be a while before I can go to TJ Maxx or Brann's again, but He instilled a peace inside of my heart and soul and hasn't let me down in reminding me that He's taking care of her now in ways this earth couldn't.

Wait and Be.

2011-02-28T00:56:00.000-05:00

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

Today I woke up with anxiety levels through the roof. My heart feels swollen and sick with grief, as if Muhammad Ali just went to town on my most vital organ.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

I sat in church, uncomfortable and stiff. I couldn't focus or concentrate and I felt completely outside of myself. All I wanted to do was curl up into a little ball and cry. At the second service I got to hang out with an awesome little boy who in one second could be really upset then the next be filled with pure joy. I couldn't help but relate with him.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

Nothing feels certain anymore, my life is filled with uncomfortable unpredictability. Sometimes I feel as though some of the stuff I'm going through is a consequence almost. Maybe I'm not praying right, or living right, or having the right kind of relationship with God. I feel that there has to be something I'm doing wrong, why else won't this go away?

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

At the evening service on campus tonight we learned about how to accept when and why God says no sometimes. One of the examples was that there is a time for everything, and although I may want something now...God may already have this planned somewhere in my future. One thing I'm proud to say is that I have developed a trust in His timing. I trust that God has a plan and that He will make things happen at the right moment. I may not like the plan sometimes, but I trust it. ..he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.-Ephesians 1:11. He's proven to me countless times that He's got my back, which is why it's so frustrating that I can't seem to deal right now. I know He'll fix it on His own terms eventually, yet I struggle to find peace in that. In anything.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

To finish this horrible day, I actually was blessed to have a refreshing conversation with a friend. He reassured me that it's not too late for me. I'm still alive, and until the day I die I will wait. I will wait patiently for the Lord. Not only will I wait, but I will be. I will be as brave, as courageous, as loving, and as passionate as possible. I hear good things come to those who wait. I guess we'll see.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.- Psalm 27:14

Still the girl from the trail.

2011-02-25T12:25:00.000-05:00

There is an image. It's permanently stuck in my mind and planted in my heart. I can see it so clearly. The memory is so fresh in my mind it feels like it was yesterday, yet it's the most unattainable thing in the world for me right now. So close but so far away doesn't even begin to cover it. I wish I could take peace from this memory but it only haunts me. I'm reaching for a goal that isn't there.

From what I just googled, the word "goal" means: 1. the aim or object towards which an endeavour is directed 2. the terminal point of a journey or race 3. the state of affairs that a plan is intended to achieve and that (when achieved) terminates behavior intended to achieve it; "the ends justify the means".

What I want is not a goal. I don't intend to direct all this time and energy to gain something, and when/if I do gain said "goal" just stop all I did to get there. To me that seems stupid. Why would I try so hard to reach something, reach it, then move on? Just because I reach a particular milestone doesn't mean I am satisfied in that. The end will not justify the means I took to get there. It's like heaven. I am learning it's not exactly smooth sailing to get there. I am not going to get there one day and be like "well, that was fun. I guess I better terminate all of my behavior it took to get here." No, if I am so blessed to get to heaven one day I'm not going to just be glad in the fact I made it there. Don't get me wrong that's a pretty big deal...but I want to marvel in it. I want to embrace it and take hold of it and live in it. In that moment. I don't want to be content with just reaching it, I want to continue to grasp it each and every day. When it comes to what I want now, I don't want it to be the end, I want it to be everything...my present and my future. I want to revel and grow even further in this desired "goal" if I'm so blessed to achieve it or whatever it is I do to attain it. I see what I want now as a step, if I get to this step I will be able to take more steps. I can't forget how or what I did to get to that first one, or else I won't know how to get to the rest of the steps along the way. Just because I "achieve" something doesn't mean I'm going to forget how it was achieved. I need to continue the behavior I took to get there, not terminate it. There is no way I will grow if I terminate what got me there.

Therefor, what I want isn't exactly a goal... I guess it's more like a feat. Which, from what I just googled, means: 1. A notable act or deed, especially an act of courage; an exploit. 2. An act of skill, endurance, imagination, or strength; an achievement. 3. Obsolete A specialized skill; a knack.

I want to reach this image I see in my mind, but not only reach it...live and grow in it. Like I used to. What I want is to be me again. I can remember, I can see it, and I can even feel it at times. I know who I am, but I'm not me right now.

Anyone who knows me knows how big of a deal Wilderness is in my life. Part of the reason it's so huge is not only the fact that I found Jesus on that mountain, but because that week is the epitome of who I am and want to be. I feel pretty lost and wrecked right now. It's hard for me to realize this but that girl from the trail is still me. I am going through trials and suffering, but I now have faith in the fact that this is all making me stronger. I am still the girl from the trail, I'm just becoming a stronger girl from the trail.

fearfully and wonderfully made.

2011-02-21T01:15:00.000-05:00

About all of elementary school it was Britney Spears. 5th-6th grade was Mia Hamm. 7th grade Ashlee Simpson. 8th Grade Natalie Portman. 9th grade Avril Lavigne. 10th grade Abby Wambach. 11th grade Kate Hudson. 12th grade Kristen Stewart. I've never been satisfied with being myself. I've always wanted to be someone different... never was I, or am I for that matter, content with being just me. "Not good enough," "insignificant," "nothing special"...common phrases that infect my mind on a daily..hourly...minutely basis. Thoughts and feelings like this are enough to crush me at times. In fact, they do. Crushed, shattered, broken, drowning...the first adjectives to pop into my mind when I think about myself. I try to suck it up and move on but it's hard when my own mind is poison to me...I can never escape.

Ehhhh. Not true. I can escape, but it's not easy. It takes a special kind of person or event or activity to distract my mind. I live for the people or things that can give my mind a rest even if just for a few minutes... though usually I just find myself right back into the vicious thought cycle I'm seemingly stuck in.

It SUCKS.

It is so easy to get lost in the realm of "I wish I looked like..." and "I wish I could do..." or my personal favorite, "I want to be like..." It's a lot harder to think "I like what I look like" "I'm so good at..." "I like who I am." Especially if you don't believe it.

Lately I've been trying to take a step back and remember, yo...I'm here. God made me. I'm obviously around for some reason. To Him I'm no accident..no waste..nothing insignificant. It's hard to accept and believe that, but really...He wouldn't have wasted His time on any of us if we weren't important in some way, shape, or form. The hard part is He isn't always whispering in our ear that He loves us and cares for us and that we are important. We have to recognize that on our own by the facts. He died for us. He rose from the dead. Our sins are forgiven because of Him. Would he really have gone through all of that if we weren't worth it?

So this is what I'm going to try to remember. Even though I desperately want someone to care. Even though I live for the slightest compliment. Even though I long for love and friendships and companionship... I am not worthless. I am not insignificant. I am not unimportant. God made me. God made me and he made me for a reason...whatever that may be. Life may feel pointless right now, but I'm clinging to the hope that it won't always be like that. God made me for a purpose..and I plan to attempt to charge at this life until that purpose is fulfilled.

Worth a thousand words?

2011-02-12T00:57:00.000-05:00

Endure.

2011-02-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to think I need to stop fighting the loneliness and instead embrace it. I look back on the last time I was in this season of life and remember how hard it was to just be alone. I missed out on a lot. I also learned a lot too. Not just about myself but about the world and what I did and did not what from it. I hate the idea of going through that again but maybe I need to. As much as I would like someone to be with me as I go through this maybe that just isn't in my plan. Maybe instead of having a best friend I need to be one. Maybe I'm not supposed to have anything or anyone in my life that's constant. Maybe God just wants me to be alone right now.

That really sucks.

My heart has been broken, torn up, shattered, pulled this way and that...yet I still leave it out there for the taking. I am desperate for love...in any form...and as a consequence my heart is getting destroyed along the way. Too many times I've had someone close to me turn their backs when I needed them the most. It's not in my nature but I'm starting to think guarding my heart is necessary to my survival.

Sitting here wishing... wishing that I had a best friend, wishing I had plans on a Friday night, wishing my heart didn't hurt so bad... gets me no where. It leaves me alone in my dorm room sobbing, and to me nothing's worse than crying alone. The most frustrating part is I know what I need to do, but finding the ability to do so is a whole other story. Strength, perseverance, confidence...I'm lacking. But I know it's there. Although I wish I had someone by my side pep-talking me, telling me I can do it and that everything is going to be okay... sometimes you just need to do it yourself and be your own cheerleader. I'm learning that in the hardest way possible.

Being alone is scary.

I feel like I've been hit by a bus and that my eyes have been stung by wasps. My body feels crushed as if I'm trapped under something heavy. I feel abandoned. I'm suffering. I am just clinging to the hope that He has my back and this will all be worth it some day. Until then, endure I will. Even if that means doing it alone.

" We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." -Romans 5:3-5

Just Breathe.

2011-02-09T01:02:00.000-05:00

Oh winter. Sometimes it's hard for me to see the good in you, but today was just one of those days where you surprised me. In between the biting cold winds and the ridiculous amount of snow, you showed me something rather important: I'm alive.

I haven't felt very alive lately. I live in a repetitive cycle I rather wish I was not in. I go to class, I do my homework (well, enough of it), I eat, I sleep, I go on facebook...a lot, I sit in CDC. Everyday. Monday and Tuesday nights are filled with Young Life. Thursday small group. Every week, day in and day out is the same. Don't get me wrong, some of these activities are rather fulfilling. But not enough. Wasting time is the one thing that really gets me...I hate the thought of me wasting a second of what little time I have here on earth to make the slightest bit of impact in some way, shape, or form. I get stuck in these thoughts a lot and to be honest, they are rather depressing. Dwelling on the fact that I find little meaning in my life makes the fact that I have little meaning in my life even worse. I feel useless and insignificant. My life is in a fog.

Lately my days have been filled with a lot of self-reflection. Thoughts like these are exhausting and hard to sort through. I hate how I can forget God's grace so easily, especially when I recognize what good He's done and is doing in my life so clearly. It's like I see how good He is then two seconds later forget, and am engulfed with stress and sadness once again. Today was one of the many self-reflection days I've been having as of late. If I had the ability to kick myself I would. I think and think and think and I think. I worry and I stress and I have regrets and anger and frustration. I forget that God has my back even though He continues to prove it to me. I feel stuck in a fog of uncertainty ALL THE TIME. I'm trapped and it scares me. But today all it took was something so simple to make me realize none of this matters. It's all hevel.....vapor.....meaningless, as I've been learning from Mars Hill services. Today...today I breathed. And thanks to Mr. Winter, I was able to see that breath. I SAW it. I'm alive. The white puff of air was right in front of my face and I saw it with my own two eyes. I'M ALIVE. I have PROOF. I stress and I worry and I will always do that, it's just part of being human....but another great part of being human that I commonly forget is that I'm alive. I'm still here. There's still time, and even though it may not feel like it, I am making a difference...somehow, some way. We all are.

Little things such as a breath can refresh me in a way I didn't think possible. I am still weighed down with stress and sadness, I'm hoping that will pass soon. But I'm still alive. I have stress and sadness, but that's not what or who I am. I AM a child of God. I AM an artist. I AM a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend. I am alive...now I just need to start living.

" We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."- 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Wilderness.

2011-01-20T17:47:00.000-05:00

As I am settling in to this new year of 2011, I can't help but reflect on all that happened to me in 2010. If this year impacts me half as much as last year did I eagerly yet patiently await what's to come.

2010. What a beautifully brutal year you were. I found new friendships, I experienced love and loss, I graduated from high school, selected a college, got my first speeding ticket ( I could have gone without that experience), started college, hated college, loved/am loving college...but the best part of 2010 wasn't any of those things. This past summer, the summer of 2010, I found Jesus on a mountain in Colorado. I was born September 30th, 1992. I was reborn during the week of July 9-18th, 2010.

2010 showed me Jesus. 2010 was the jumpstart to the rest of my life. 2010 was big.

Thank God for Young Life. THANK YOU JESUS for Young Life. PRAISE HIM for YOUNG LIFE! Because without it, I would not be where I am today. Young Life changed me from an open non-believer into an awestruck lover of Jesus. Without Young Life, I would not have gotten to experience backpacking the the Rocky Mountains for a week on this trip called Wilderness. Young Life saved my life.

The elements were perfect. I had the "anywhere but here" desire, I was with an amazing group of people (wolfpack, holler!), I couldn't have asked for better leaders and guides, and most importantly I had just the right amount of curiosity and hope brewing deep inside my heart..waiting for Him.

I almost laugh now, because I now realize the entire time He was waiting for me.

I'll spare you all the wonderful details. That's not sarcasm either, they really are wonderful. But I love Wilderness with all my heart and could probably write a novel about it. You can read that later ;)
The two most important parts of this story are as follows: The day we peaked, and Solo Night.

The Peak

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

I don't know where I was going with that. But my point is that there is no way you can have the slightest idea as to how freaking amazing it was to see what I saw solely through these pictures.

The day we peaked we rose before the sun did. We found out later that it was around 4 in the morning (we never knew what time it was on the mountain). Leaving our heavy packs behind at our campsite, we headed off peak-bound. It took awhile because we ascended to the top switch-back style. When we were almost to the top, one of our guides, Bixby, read us a bible verse and had us each pick up a good sized rock to carry the rest of the way to the top. That definitely didn't help the difficulty of things; it felt like the rock's weight increased by a pound every couple of minutes. Words can't describe how it felt to finally reach the peak. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I climbed a freaking mountain. A MOUNTAIN. Every direction you turned there was peak after peak. We all spread out to our own little spots and sat in awestruck silence. That silence was broken by our guide telling us the rock we were told to carry up represented our sin. How, because of Jesus, our sins would be forgiven. Then we were told to throw that rock as hard and as far as we could off the top of the mountain. I felt much more exhilarated than I ever could have expected after that rock left my hands. I had just thrown my sin off a mountain. It was gone. It tumbled down the mountainside as I watched it disappear. They disappeared. All of them.

At the time I didn't quite realize how impacting that moment would be on my life. I ate my Twizzlers and drank my Mountain Dew (our reward for making it to the top) without a care in the world. I had no idea that that moment was my first step in my walk with Jesus. Before we left the peak, I made sure to grab a small rock. I still have that rock today. That rock, along with my bible branded with the initials W.R., are my most prized possessions.

Solo Night

" Some wandered in the wilderness, lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. "Lord, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live. Let them praise the Lord for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."- Psalm 107:4-9

When I read this I like to change the pronouns from "Some", "they", and "them", to "I". I wandered in the wilderness. I was lost and homeless. I was hungry and thirsty. I nearly died. He rescued me from my distress. He led me to safety. He satisfied my thirst and He fulfilled me with good things.

The day leading up to solo night was by far the hardest most grueling day of the trip by far. Tomorrow we'd be back with civilization, able to shower, and text, and listen to music, and change our clothes. As rough as that day was, I was sad this would all be over soon.

After a long day we finally found a campsite, but instead of setting everything up like usual, we were instructed not to. I knew this was coming, from previous Wilderness goers, but I was hoping they'd forget. It was solo night. As in, we slept outside, by ourselves, no tent, ALONE, in the wilderness, ALONE, with just our sleeping materials, ALONE!!! The idea of solo night freaked me out just a little bit. We gathered our belongings and were each assigned a spot. I actually had a prime campsite. It was placed between two trees perfect for a hammock...if only I HAD a hammock. In between them lay a bed of pine needles, perfect spot for my bed. Once I was settled I realized the sun had set and that I could no longer see without assistance from my flashlight. We had bible verses to read and we were supposed to write a letter to God. I'm not gonna lie, totally didn't read. I was too freaked out. I was literally constantly scanning my surroundings for a bear or some other terrifying animal. Since we saw SO many throughout the week. (Yes, that IS sarcasm. That was Audrey's big disappointment...lack of wildlife). But this I do swear on my life, totally saw a pair of glowing eyes. Now you see, my first thought was that it was a cat. Then I realized I'm on a mountain, and if it was a cat...I would not want to play with it.

After dinner and after our leaders checked in with each of us, I started to write my letter. I was finally able to focus and calm down enough to really put some thought into it. Do you ever get that feeling when you're writing where you really get on a roll and just can't stop? Yeah, that happened to me. I poured out everything on that page. After I finished, I shut my flashlight off and I prayed. Like I legitimately prayed. Throughout the week I'd cross my hands and bow my head out of respect, but I never felt like I was talking to someone. Better yet, I didn't feel like I was being heard by anyone. This time was different. I prayed hard. I prayed that I wouldn't die tonight, I prayed that my life could be different, I prayed about college, my family, my friends. I prayed...a deep, long, thoughtful, flowing prayer. When I was done I looked around, flashlight still off, took a deep breath and sighed. I felt peacefully curious. I went to bed, unworried about if I'd wake up in the middle of the night with some huge animal attacking me.

The next morning we all gathered around in a circle with our crazy creeks (most comfortable chair EVER). It was Christmas Morning....Wilderness style. We each had a notecard with our name on it and we passed it around the circle writing a little something about each person. Next anyone who wanted to got the opportunity to share their letter. I shared mine. Usually in religious type settings I view myself as the silent observer, so my volunteering was quite out of the ordinary. After I finished, I was filled with overwhelming peace which was soon followed by burning desire.

The peace comes and goes and the flames flicker in and out...but one thing is for certain. I found Jesus, and I am NEVER letting him go. As I face my first big trials since becoming a believer, I am finding that it's not as easy and simplistic as it was on that mountain...but I've also found that that's the whole point.

"..the one who endures to the end will be saved."- Mark 13:13.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."- Romans 5:3-5

Don't wait for Jesus to come and find you. Seek Him. He is waiting for you, just as he waited for me.

" Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us."- Romans 8:34

I just wanna love and be loved.

2011-01-19T20:24:00.000-05:00

Pity. Not a wonderful thing to be victim of, if I do say so myself. I despise pity. I resent it with every part of my being. I may be a cliche 18 year old when I say this, but I don't want to be treated like a child. I get pity from all sides these days and it's driving me bananas (thanks, Gwen). A lot of people would love to talk about themselves for the majority of the time.. but I am truly, one hundred percent-ly, and ridiculously SICK of talking about me all the time. I just want to be. It's hard because I know people are trying to help and be supportive, but I can't help but question the sincerity of some of their actions. I've been questioning a lot these days, especially how genuine my relationships are. Life has been a struggle as of late. I am beyond blessed to have the support I do, but I almost want to say support isn't what I'm looking for...I just want true, genuine friendships. I want to vent, but at the same time I want to comfort. I want to laugh, but at the same time I want to be the cause for the laughter. I want to receive love, but then again I want to be the giver of love. I want to feel joy, but I also want to cause joy. I understand much of what's going on in my life right now, but it doesn't feel like other people are acknowledging that, ya dig? I love helping other people...I can't stand needing help. Every day is a lesson for me, learning to deal and learning how to give and take. Lately I feel like I've been doing a lot of taking when all I want to do is give. I want to be a friend, I want someone to need ME, I want to be an equal. I yearn for the balance of independence and dependence. I know what I need. I need God, I need friends, I need support....but most importantly I need BALANCE.

I never did like roller-coasters..of any sort. Emotional ones aren't much better than the real thing either. Although it's very difficult to realize at times, I do have one constant. Jesus. I love that dude, and He loves me. I'm trying to hold on to that, trying to balance that relationship. My other relationships will take time, I get that. So will this one. Every day I'm learning and growing, with my faith and my relationships. Neither of them are where I want them to be at the moment, but the newfound desire to improve them is refreshing. At the end of the day I try to tell myself two things: 1. you are loved and 2. He will work everything out, He's got your back.

I don't consider myself wise by any means, but I've gone through enough struggle to know those two things are true...even if I deny it at times. Everyone is loved by someone and He will and does set all things right. You are not alone, and either am I.

It's been a while since the last time I "blogged." Hope you enjoyed it and pardon my ridiculous amount of openness :D
-Britt